All items listed are based on actual occurrences and sightings. Names have been omitted to prevent complete humiliation in the local cycling community and the world wide web.
you show up to a group ride in full euro team gear and you are not currently or have ever collected a check from said team.
you wear leg warmers with shorty shorts that leave a six-inch gap of exposed flesh on each leg.
you ride or wear any Bike Nashbar product.
your helmet is older than your mother.
you tuck your jersey in your bike shorts.
you wear full-face winter gear in 60 degree weather.
you wear your bib suspenders outside of your jersey.
you wear anything from the GAP on a group ride.
your legs are hairier than Scott Brumbelow’s.
you fly to the front of the pack, blow up and drop the pace.
you start a race wearing athletic tube socks, hiking boots and a backpack – attack at the gun and get dropped at mile 2.
you wear any animal prints.
your bike squeaks and creaks like a mattress seeing action at the Motor Lodge.
you show up to a four hour epic ride with a half a bottle of Gatorade and Tic Tacs.
your bike is worth more than several mortgage payments and you think the term sprint only applies to your wireless service.
you wear your tighty whiteys under your white skin suit to the local TT.
you have so many gadgets and junk on your aero bars your bike looks like an eight point buck.
you wear a Camelback under your jersey for a 40 minute Cat 4 crit.
your bike is older than your mother.
Report potential FRED classifications to info@memphisvelo.com. Friends, don’t let friends be FREDS.
